Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Ladies and Gentlemen. May I have your attention please? You can pick up your mirror immediately following this announcement.

Here’s the thing about the mirror: it doesn’t work if you just had sex. Something about your essence trumps its magic, so make an appointment with the mirror and if you had sex just before your appointment, break it - the mirror won’t care. But don’t go anthropomorphizing the mirror because it hates that. And never say, “Mirror mirror on the wall.” It has a dark sense of humor and could crack or worse, shatter, and you could end up in the hospital. But most of all, whatever you do, don’t turn it on when you’ve been drinking. The mirror can drink you under the table - believe me.

           

Despite advertisements that the mirror will grant riches and the celebrity of your fantasies, it’s not true.  The mirror will shut down if there is any request for fame and fortune. If you are a celebrity, please do not use the mirror. It does not understand the difference between who you are and people who want to be who you are. We expect this problem will be solved soon.

           

Before you turn on the mirror have the answers to your security questions available: your pet’s name, your favorite color, and where you want to be in five years. When you see yourself in the mirror, be sure it is a clear image. If there are any ghostlike movements, you may have to start over. Just select “escape” and begin again. If the image is still wavy on the third attempt it will shut down and you will have to wait forty-eight hours. The most common reason for blurry images is insincerity.

Do not ask the mirror more than one question. Do not use compound sentences that are really two questions. And do not make statements. Believe me, the mirror is not interested in your opinion.

 If the mirror shuts down for no apparent reason, do not call the Ministry of Mirrors - you probably did something to piss it off. Read the manual and try again. However, if the mirror laughs at you, call the Ministry, but only between nine and five. Be prepared to wait due to high volume. Once the mirror laughs at you, you can no longer use it until it is reprogrammed. If the mirror tries to coax you into asking it another question, do not answer, it has a sick sense of humor and is using you for its own amusement. Believe me.