The President of the USA was just another Reality TV Show.
The President's Diary
(Books are So Yesterday)
Monday September 11, 2021.
Today I had to do a commemorating thing for the 20th anniversary of 911, but I didn’t have to go to Ground Zero. Thank god. New York is full of highfalutin weirdoes who want to take me to the ballet or talk about education. Just the word education is so yesterday. I gave a speech in the Oval Office about freedoms – without a teleprompter, thank you. I wore my red dress with the blue and white trim. It matched the flag. I got a lot of compliments from the staff.
I met a new secret service agent at the after party after the press conference last night. He looks like Justin Bieber, only younger. I invited him to run my eight miles with me this morning. He is so cute. He showed me his six-pack and I winked at him. (I’m so bad.) The run cleared my head - too many daiquiris last night.
The renovations are finally done. A lot of stuff they said I couldn’t touch. Are they kidding me? I’m the President. Please! Anyhow, I didn’t care because the trophy rooms are perfect. The gold and silver trophies and all the rhinestones in the tiaras are so beautiful and sparkly they hurt your eyes. The gold is not real, of course, but it looks real and that is better than the real thing. Sugar Baby’s trophies are on display in her own trophy room. Now all those people who come for the tour won’t be asking me the same question over and over: “Which trophies are Sugar Baby’s?” Only six years old and Sugar Baby has already won thousands of trophies, just like her mother. She is not only beautiful – even more so since her highlights – she is smart. She said when she grows up she wants to be Miss America and the President! (How cute is that?)
Afternoon tea (Ha Ha) was spent with the girls from my jewelry-making class. They loved the champagne and double chocolate cake - made with real cane sugar, thank you. They were a little nervous with the cameras but it’s routine for me after growing up in my mother’s “All American Scrap Making Reality TV Show”. The champagne went straight to my head! I told the girls that I dropped my towel one morning when I came out of the shower to give the secret service in the control room something to wake up with. (They really laughed at that one.)
Before the girls left Sugar Baby performed her Marilyn Monroe routine and sang “Happy Birthday Mr. President.” (So cute). I’m sewing an Elvis outfit to prove that I am not sexualizing her. Even saying the word sex with pageants makes me ill. Rehearsing Sugar Baby’s pageant routines is hard work but as I remind the VP everyday, I’m a pageant mom before I’m the President.
The best thing I have done in my presidency is to repeal Roe vs. Wade. Now I am part of every future mother’s happiness in this great country of ours that was founded on freedoms. As soon as I get “legitimate rape” into the abortion ban law, I’m a shoe-in for a second term.
Before bed I drank a cup of cocoa and worked on my book, a memoir for prosperity. Why they still call them books anymore is beyond me. Books are so yesterday!