Why Internet Dating Doesn't Work

The first thing I noticed about this dating thing is you got to answer a lot of questions.  Your age, your height, your religion, hair color, things you like, things you don’t like.  I goggled how to answer Internet dating questions and it said be honest.  Except everyone knows that women lie about their age and men lie about their height, so I said I was six feet tall.  Even though I’m five foot eight.

The picture is the Holy Grail.  You have to have a good one.  But nothing naked or skimpy even if you have a good body and everyone has to say what kind of body they have.  You can check only one body type: athletic, thin, average, a few pounds or jumbo.   I’m a couch potato so I checked average.

I looked at other profiles to get some ideas on what kind of a picture to upload. Men pose with things like lawnmowers and cars, motorcycles and dogs.  Boats.  I live in an apartment and I don’t drive.  And, my landlord doesn’t allow pets.  So all that is out.  Men also post pictures of themselves with grandchildren and sons and daughters at graduation ceremonies.  That’s also out for me.  Some men have pictures of themselves sucking in their stomachs on mountaintops, holding up kayak paddles and straddling bicycles.  Or in bars holding up a drink, an arm around a buddy or a barfly, looking like they’re having a good time.  Those days are over for me.

I took a picture of myself in the bathroom mirror.  After I posted it, I noticed that the mole on my left cheek was on the right.   I said in my profile that my picture was backwards and I got an email from a woman who said she understood.  That’s what I want, a woman who understands me.  She had black curly hair and wore a low cut red blouse with lots of cleavage and her breasts were not wrinkly for her age.  She said we could have a good time and should meet for drinks.  I told her I only drink coffee these days and she emailed back: “Look me up when you fall off the wagon. Ha Ha Ha.”

There are a lot of good-looking women out there.  I emailed all the ones with big hair. Some had French twists like my mother still wears.  She says her hair is her best feature so I always ask her how her hair is.  I called her and told her no one emailed me for a date and she wanted to know what age group I was looking in and when I told her she said, “Older women don’t want a lover, they just want someone to take them to dinner.” She said that maybe she should look at my profile and give me some pointers. I said no.

I asked her if she thought I should pose with food.  Some guys have pictures of themselves with the food they cooked, men pointing to fish on platters with the heads still on them.  Some men pose with fish on fishing boats and then there are men with guns. If I was a woman and opened my email from a message that said, “happygoluckyguy wants to meet you!” and he’s aiming a rifle at the ceiling, I’d hit the delete button.  I cook pasta but my mother said she wouldn’t bother posting a picture of my pasta. 

After a few months I took my profile off and created a new one.  Now I’m sexybadboy7823.  I lied about everything.  I get a lot of emails from very attractive women.  Some want to meet me.  Onetruelove7572 says she is sure I’m the one. We have been getting it on in the emails, chatting back and forth and stuff.  Lots of sexy stuff.  She is really hot. And, she’s intelligent.  She says she likes to read.

My mother called and said she was trying the Internet dating thing too.

“Why should you have all the fun?” she said.  “Some men are very sweet and nice and some are very naughty.”

“Ma!” I said, “I don’t want to hear this.” 

 “Sexybadboy wants to meet me.”

“What?”

“He says I’m the one.”

Maybe it was just a coincidence. 

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