The first thing I
noticed about this dating thing is you got to answer a lot of questions. Your age, your height, your religion,
hair color, things you like, things you don’t like. I goggled how to answer Internet dating questions and it
said be honest. Except everyone
knows that women lie about their age and men lie about their height, so I said
I was six feet tall. Even though
I’m five foot eight.
The picture is the
Holy Grail. You have to have a
good one. But nothing naked or
skimpy even if you have a good body and everyone has to say what kind of body
they have. You can check only one
body type: athletic, thin, average, a few pounds or jumbo. I’m a couch potato so I checked
average.
I looked at other
profiles to get some ideas on what kind of a picture to upload. Men pose with
things like lawnmowers and cars, motorcycles and dogs. Boats. I live in an apartment and I don’t drive. And, my landlord doesn’t allow
pets. So all that is out. Men also post pictures of themselves
with grandchildren and sons and daughters at graduation ceremonies. That’s also out for me. Some men have pictures of themselves
sucking in their stomachs on mountaintops, holding up kayak paddles and
straddling bicycles. Or in bars
holding up a drink, an arm around a buddy or a barfly, looking like they’re
having a good time. Those days are
over for me.
I took a picture
of myself in the bathroom mirror.
After I posted it, I noticed that the mole on my left cheek was on the
right. I said in my profile
that my picture was backwards and I got an email from a woman who said she
understood. That’s what I want, a
woman who understands me. She had
black curly hair and wore a low cut red blouse with lots of cleavage and her
breasts were not wrinkly for her age.
She said we could have a good time and should meet for drinks. I told her I only drink coffee these
days and she emailed back: “Look me up when you fall off the wagon. Ha Ha Ha.”
There are a lot of
good-looking women out there. I
emailed all the ones with big hair. Some had French twists like my mother still
wears. She says her hair is her
best feature so I always ask her how her hair is. I called her and told her no one emailed me for a date and
she wanted to know what age group I was looking in and when I told her she
said, “Older women don’t want a lover, they just want someone to take them to
dinner.” She said that maybe she should look at my profile and give me some
pointers. I said no.
I asked her if she
thought I should pose with food. Some
guys have pictures of themselves with the food they cooked, men pointing to
fish on platters with the heads still on them. Some men pose with fish on fishing boats and then there are
men with guns. If I was a woman and opened my email from a message that said, “happygoluckyguy wants to meet you!” and
he’s aiming a rifle at the ceiling, I’d hit the delete button. I cook pasta but my mother said she
wouldn’t bother posting a picture of my pasta.
After a few months
I took my profile off and created a new one. Now I’m sexybadboy7823. I lied about everything. I get a lot of emails from very
attractive women. Some want to
meet me. Onetruelove7572 says she is sure I’m the one. We have been getting
it on in the emails, chatting back and forth and stuff. Lots of sexy stuff. She is really hot. And, she’s
intelligent. She says she likes to
read.
My mother called
and said she was trying the Internet dating thing too.
“Why should you
have all the fun?” she said. “Some
men are very sweet and nice and some are very naughty.”
“Ma!” I said, “I
don’t want to hear this.”
“Sexybadboy
wants to meet me.”
“What?”
“He says I’m the
one.”
Maybe it was just
a coincidence.
